Total Goal

Friday, March 23, 2007

Family sorrows

Okay so I talked to both my sister and my dad this morning. My dad is an alcholic. A depressed alcholic. He is planning on moving back to Winnipeg. This I think is a huge mistake. I think he's got it in his head that he had happier times there,my mom, his family etc and if he goes back things will be just hunky dory again. I guess Ab hasn't been good to him what with my mom's death, his divorce from Judy, and now a failed and some what horrid relationship with Gwen. But I can't help but feel sad about him moving. After all that would leave just little old me with no other family of my own here in Edmonton. Aside from my new family-Evan and Earl that is. I know my father isn't happy here, but I don't know if moving to Winnipeg is going to make things any better. What does he have there that's more important then me and his new grandson! At X-mas I thought everything was going great. I knew he wasn't happy living with Gwen, I even sat down with him and talked about his moving, his situation, his choices. I cried and asked him not to go! He agreed with me when I said his place is here with us! He told me flat out that he wasn't going any where. I thought okay everything is going to be fine, we will help him. Then he starting drinking again, or rather I heard it first hand when he called one night. I was shocked, angry, disappointed in him. That phone call changed everything again. It brought back the horror, the memories of coming home and finding him passed out on his chair with his dingdong hanging out from his half open bath robe, this wasn't just once, it was many times, almost every night. He will not quite unless he wants to quit, and it looks like most of what comes out of his mouth are lies. But what can I expect I guess after all he's old and drinks like a fish. I just don't know what he thinks he's going to find there in Winnipeg. He told my sis that its about the money, his apartment is going up to over $1000 a month this year. So move to a cheaper place! You don't have to live in a high rise on the 18th floor, with a huge balcony looking over the river! Stop drinking your money away to stupid, f**king asshole! But in the end I'm not his mommy, he's going to move if he wants, I've stated my feelings, so what more can I really do to convince him to stay.
I miss my sis terribly, we talk on the phone a lot, about 3 times a week, but it's just not the same. I wish she was here, I want to hold my nephew, watch him grow, not just hear him or see pictures! I don't want to feel alone anymore. I don't want my dad to move, despite his stupid drinking problem that hurts so much I can't stand it. But at least he's here, where I can keep an eye on him. He can come to Evan's birthdays, Easter Dinners and Christmas get togethers. It just sucks so much that I'm going to be raising my babies with no family on my side to attend the special occasions or even the not so special ones! No cousins to play with even in the same bloody country!!!! Sucks!!!!
I miss my mom more then ever now that I have a child, I thought this was supposed to get easier not harder!!! This missing them thing, I knew it would never go away, but isn't it supposed to get easier!!!
I'm scared of feeling truly alone during holiday's and birthdays. I'm angry about everything my life has put me through, I know it's made me the person I am and I truly like me, but I can still be mad about it. That's life I guess, every time things look like they are on the right track, life sticks a stick in your bike wheel and you go flying ass over tea kettle all over again. I guess I'll deal and life will go on. I really don't know what else to say, but thanks for listening.

1 comment:

Annieann77 said...


((HUGS)) -- That was quite a emotional post .... I'm almost speachless!

I do agree with you - your dad is old enough to make his own decisions and no matter how much you tell him it's not the best idea for either of you unfortunatly he will still do what he wants!?

I also think that it is time for your sister to come home! Maybe you could work on her! ?

I guess if this is what your dad wants then all you can do is focus on your "new" family and let him do his thing?! Maybe it's time to stop looking after him and start looking after yourself!? Sorry if that sounds mean, but I feel like you never really got to have a childhood like the rest of us did. You should have to deal with those things as a child and I am very happy that these situations only made you a stronger person, it could have gone the other way!

Luv ya!